there is so much to say. i have not been updating a long time.
actually i have. but it is still in a private mode. why?
because i thought it was nothing i'd want to let others see, because it was written so badly. badly... why would i think that.
it was the wrong language, the wrong expression and the wrong time.
i wrote many things down... by hand, because i thought i have to keep my thoughts in memory. all my thoughts... at that night, saturday. they were so full, they were so excited and gleaming, reaching for something that was just out of my reach.
what i want to capture is not easy. it's not the money, it's not the life, it's not that one aspect of life. i don't want my life to go one direction. if i was a sizophrenic... that would be able to take different bodies, maybe i'd come closer to my dreams.
i don't want to experience one life. i want to do more than one life. what i could see, if i had the chance to see more than one corner of this world right in this time, to see different people and eat different things, speak different languages.
actually this is the first time i think about this so distinct. i thought about going to school in japan, because of the uniforms, going to school in england, because of the unifoms, going to school in japan, because of the afternoon activities. and all that stuff. but at the same time i'd not like to miss all the everyday stuff i have to live with in germany, my home. i want to know everything about life. not just my life, also the life of other countries, other enviroments.
that's not what i supposed to talk about.
the reason why i just couldn't bring myself to make it public was my feelings for the night. what i wrote was not for public, what i wrote was for me. just for me. when i say, i write my blog, here in public, just for me, that would be a lie. many people know that.
of course all this stuff here has something of me, myself, my truth, my thoughts and all the pain and happiness and hope i feel everyday. but the deepest... i could never just express it in a language that is actually not mine. the language for me would be german.
i just couldn't. i could write in english, that would be like, if i wrote through another me, another language, so that is another feeling.
my feelings are being filtert through the language i use. in german it is unfiltert... everything is so true and distinct.
here, i have to transfer...
maybe it's too raw.
so, ok, i will first talk about what happened recently. today bex is at my house and we just enjoyed the tv and some sushi for dinner. we didn't do anything special. she is asleep now, but will wake up in a few hours to go to the bathroom. she got home last night very ... ehm, let's say, early. i was quite early in bed to, spending the night at cindy's place we were looking through vogue till our eyes just couldn't bear the beauty of the designers anymore. haha
i had a really good time yesterday. after writing my history exam, that i haven't studied for, in the morning, i just followed my schedule and was home at about 5pm. i started chatting and finished watching "the impressionist" right in time to catch my bus to the train station.
at cindy's place i nearly died of hunger, but managed to survive and eat some glorious stuff. cindy was at some exhibition again and brought home some good stuff. haha, i really was touched when she told me, she had a lot of great taiwanese nudle cups for me. i should've cried.
we talked a long time, talk good stuff.
and she told me, i was actually quite depressed when i was in 10th grade. i was surprised when she told me, i didn't know i was feeling so low at that time. it's true that i didn't feel good at school. i didn't have any friends. really good friends. maybe in the last few month i was getting close to someone, i can't remember...
anyway, today my life is different. that sounds kinda strange, like i experienced some really big change in my life. haha
it's just, that i have friends now, that i feel understood and good being with them. i like being in school and feel loved. ok, i don't want to get specific now.
tuesday i slept the whole day and didn't manage to study for my exam... i know, i should've studied... but i simply was ... dead.
maybe because of monday. i stayed up till about... 2am, because i was doing homework that i had to finish a long time ago. like... 2 month. but i finally did it and was really proud when i saw the results coming out of the printer.
this is so important to me. it is a prove that i am able to finish something. i know it is kinda late, but i finally did it. i just finished what i had to do. maybe it won't be accepted, but still i did it. and that's what matters to me. i hope that in the future i'll be able to finish the stuff i have to do earlier and maybe on day, right in time. maybe someday i'll be able to schedule my time, to schedule my life just to see how much i can do and how much i'll do. it seems like a plan for my life, but it isn't. it's just a overview about all the time that i got in this life, so i don't just waste in and in the end looking back, saying, "i should've spend my time rather being happy doing things that i want or have to do than doing nothing really.".
just yesterday cindy asked me, if i don't want to fix myself and get my ass up working for school for the last few month in school. of course i want. but i just can't get myself to do it. i am trying and you maybe can't imagine how hard this is for me. it's more than just, get the ass up. it's like chasing for something that is in my head... somewhere, that just can't find the right place. i should now what i have to do. and especially what i want to do.
so monday i did my work, watching dane cook till late night. i really love him. you should take a look at him at youtube. he is really good.
monday morning i was really in a desperate hurry to punch myself some math in my brain, when yuxi told me in the bus that we would'nt write any exam on this NICE day. i was like... fucked. i could've screamed and cried and everything.
anyway, in the afternoon we went to the fitness centre with our sport class. i was so excited to go there and waited hell a long time for this day, this afternoon. we did some eating at burger king just alongside and then went inside to get our asses a bit thinner and more beautiful. haha
L. wasn't there and i missed him (when i told him, he wouldn't believe, haha). but i had a really great time with ah-ram and max. we did some crazy stuff. i liked it there, against my expectations. i wanted to go there to see the guys sweating, but in the end i was so much fun that i wanted to go again. haha, and luckily max has a coupon for 2 people in a fitness centre. that is so good.
after some sweating we drove by M's house and i got him out of bed to come out. i dind't know he was sleeping and dind't want to get him out of bed. but he was so kind. actually i felt... horrible. i was red in the face, ugly and sooo ugly. i hate when he sees me like that. i don't want him to see me when i am not as beautiful as i can be. i hate i hate i hate. i felt so ugly right at that moment. i wanted to crawl into... somewhere where he couldn't see me. first i hid behind the car... but i had to come out to say hello. it was horrible. i felt... like shit. i didn't even want him to touch me. when he wanted to hug me i told him i was sweaty, so he just gave me his hand. and i felt bad.
but i was happy to see him. i am always happy to see him. P. was as well. haha, everyone hears so much about him and are curious to see him.
yes, he is someone i really respect, i really love. maybe he doesn't know, but all my friends do!! haha
we drove home before 6, before he had practice.
at home, at max's home, i talked a lot with C. and told her about my new shoes. haha, she was really great. W. told me to come to their place more styled than i am usually when they see me. he said that maybe there is a hidden princess in me and laughed very loud. i did too. i like their company very much. i cherish them very much, loving them like my own family. they are...
at my place we didn't do anything, just hang around like always and i did what i had to do. and i was proud of myself.
oh yes, i told F. monday noon at a cup of coffee that i was feeling very very ugly. and he was like "what the fuck!! cut it out!" haha
he is a really good guy, but i just can't help myself. i need it, i really need it. it hasn't much of an effect though. me is ugly and fat. haha, i know most of the people don't want to here that. and usually i hate when people say that, nah, not usually, always. first, i can't say anything when it is not true, because it's ridiculous to say something like this when you are beautiful. people who look ok, don't really complain. people who are ugly... are mostly... dunno, just can't say, "yes you are, but i can't help it". i know this is bad and mean. but ha, you don't know who i consider as ugly. haha.... hahaha.... =.=
actually i consider people who are ok-looking who complain about their looks as very very... i hate them.
anyway, what i wanted to say is, that i felt horrible. (this feeling just increased when i saw M.) F. said beauty is subjective, the most subjective thing on earth maybe. but i don't really believe that. but he considered me as beautiful, as i did myself a few weeks ago as well. and other friends do as well, but you should know how less impression that makes. it is not objective enough, but beauty isn't objective F. says... aaah, so many turns
but there is something wrong in the last few weeks, few month maybe. i just don't feel the way i used to feel. and i don't like it. i don't like the feeling of not knowing what is wrong, not feeling well in my own skin. i used to feel comfortable and beautiful. really i did. and now... i'd like to feel that way again, but there are too many things that i think are not making me beautiful anymore. it's not just that i look in the mirror sometimes and think "i don't know what to change to make me more beautiful". yes i said it. and you can't imagine how much i hate myself to feel this way. i don't like myself this way. it's ok not to be perfect, but it's a sin to feel bad about oneself. i'd punish me, if i wasn't me. i'd say i am bad and just not worth to be me. haha, that is a nice thought though.
you know.
May, Milano
(in short, because now i am really tired.)
it was a great experience. what i saw and what i heard is worth than nothing on this planet.
i am happy that i am not naive, because then i couldn't have endured all this stuff. this society is not what it seems to be. and surviving in it is harder than just walking by and see the swallow side. it was for me hard enough just to touch the surface and take a look what is going inside deep down. but i couldn't see well. still, it was enough
but it is beautiful. all the stuff they show off, the way they behave, everything has an order.
beside my 5 pairs of shoes i gained more than 5 hours of happiness and more than 5 days of experience.
connections will be everything to count on in this world.
all the good connections
i had a really good time yesterday. after writing my history exam, that i haven't studied for, in the morning, i just followed my schedule and was home at about 5pm. i started chatting and finished watching "the impressionist" right in time to catch my bus to the train station.
at cindy's place i nearly died of hunger, but managed to survive and eat some glorious stuff. cindy was at some exhibition again and brought home some good stuff. haha, i really was touched when she told me, she had a lot of great taiwanese nudle cups for me. i should've cried.
we talked a long time, talk good stuff.
and she told me, i was actually quite depressed when i was in 10th grade. i was surprised when she told me, i didn't know i was feeling so low at that time. it's true that i didn't feel good at school. i didn't have any friends. really good friends. maybe in the last few month i was getting close to someone, i can't remember...
anyway, today my life is different. that sounds kinda strange, like i experienced some really big change in my life. haha
it's just, that i have friends now, that i feel understood and good being with them. i like being in school and feel loved. ok, i don't want to get specific now.
tuesday i slept the whole day and didn't manage to study for my exam... i know, i should've studied... but i simply was ... dead.
maybe because of monday. i stayed up till about... 2am, because i was doing homework that i had to finish a long time ago. like... 2 month. but i finally did it and was really proud when i saw the results coming out of the printer.
this is so important to me. it is a prove that i am able to finish something. i know it is kinda late, but i finally did it. i just finished what i had to do. maybe it won't be accepted, but still i did it. and that's what matters to me. i hope that in the future i'll be able to finish the stuff i have to do earlier and maybe on day, right in time. maybe someday i'll be able to schedule my time, to schedule my life just to see how much i can do and how much i'll do. it seems like a plan for my life, but it isn't. it's just a overview about all the time that i got in this life, so i don't just waste in and in the end looking back, saying, "i should've spend my time rather being happy doing things that i want or have to do than doing nothing really.".
just yesterday cindy asked me, if i don't want to fix myself and get my ass up working for school for the last few month in school. of course i want. but i just can't get myself to do it. i am trying and you maybe can't imagine how hard this is for me. it's more than just, get the ass up. it's like chasing for something that is in my head... somewhere, that just can't find the right place. i should now what i have to do. and especially what i want to do.
so monday i did my work, watching dane cook till late night. i really love him. you should take a look at him at youtube. he is really good.
monday morning i was really in a desperate hurry to punch myself some math in my brain, when yuxi told me in the bus that we would'nt write any exam on this NICE day. i was like... fucked. i could've screamed and cried and everything.
anyway, in the afternoon we went to the fitness centre with our sport class. i was so excited to go there and waited hell a long time for this day, this afternoon. we did some eating at burger king just alongside and then went inside to get our asses a bit thinner and more beautiful. haha
L. wasn't there and i missed him (when i told him, he wouldn't believe, haha). but i had a really great time with ah-ram and max. we did some crazy stuff. i liked it there, against my expectations. i wanted to go there to see the guys sweating, but in the end i was so much fun that i wanted to go again. haha, and luckily max has a coupon for 2 people in a fitness centre. that is so good.
after some sweating we drove by M's house and i got him out of bed to come out. i dind't know he was sleeping and dind't want to get him out of bed. but he was so kind. actually i felt... horrible. i was red in the face, ugly and sooo ugly. i hate when he sees me like that. i don't want him to see me when i am not as beautiful as i can be. i hate i hate i hate. i felt so ugly right at that moment. i wanted to crawl into... somewhere where he couldn't see me. first i hid behind the car... but i had to come out to say hello. it was horrible. i felt... like shit. i didn't even want him to touch me. when he wanted to hug me i told him i was sweaty, so he just gave me his hand. and i felt bad.
but i was happy to see him. i am always happy to see him. P. was as well. haha, everyone hears so much about him and are curious to see him.
yes, he is someone i really respect, i really love. maybe he doesn't know, but all my friends do!! haha
we drove home before 6, before he had practice.
at home, at max's home, i talked a lot with C. and told her about my new shoes. haha, she was really great. W. told me to come to their place more styled than i am usually when they see me. he said that maybe there is a hidden princess in me and laughed very loud. i did too. i like their company very much. i cherish them very much, loving them like my own family. they are...
at my place we didn't do anything, just hang around like always and i did what i had to do. and i was proud of myself.
oh yes, i told F. monday noon at a cup of coffee that i was feeling very very ugly. and he was like "what the fuck!! cut it out!" haha
he is a really good guy, but i just can't help myself. i need it, i really need it. it hasn't much of an effect though. me is ugly and fat. haha, i know most of the people don't want to here that. and usually i hate when people say that, nah, not usually, always. first, i can't say anything when it is not true, because it's ridiculous to say something like this when you are beautiful. people who look ok, don't really complain. people who are ugly... are mostly... dunno, just can't say, "yes you are, but i can't help it". i know this is bad and mean. but ha, you don't know who i consider as ugly. haha.... hahaha.... =.=
actually i consider people who are ok-looking who complain about their looks as very very... i hate them.
anyway, what i wanted to say is, that i felt horrible. (this feeling just increased when i saw M.) F. said beauty is subjective, the most subjective thing on earth maybe. but i don't really believe that. but he considered me as beautiful, as i did myself a few weeks ago as well. and other friends do as well, but you should know how less impression that makes. it is not objective enough, but beauty isn't objective F. says... aaah, so many turns
but there is something wrong in the last few weeks, few month maybe. i just don't feel the way i used to feel. and i don't like it. i don't like the feeling of not knowing what is wrong, not feeling well in my own skin. i used to feel comfortable and beautiful. really i did. and now... i'd like to feel that way again, but there are too many things that i think are not making me beautiful anymore. it's not just that i look in the mirror sometimes and think "i don't know what to change to make me more beautiful". yes i said it. and you can't imagine how much i hate myself to feel this way. i don't like myself this way. it's ok not to be perfect, but it's a sin to feel bad about oneself. i'd punish me, if i wasn't me. i'd say i am bad and just not worth to be me. haha, that is a nice thought though.
you know.
May, Milano
(in short, because now i am really tired.)
it was a great experience. what i saw and what i heard is worth than nothing on this planet.
i am happy that i am not naive, because then i couldn't have endured all this stuff. this society is not what it seems to be. and surviving in it is harder than just walking by and see the swallow side. it was for me hard enough just to touch the surface and take a look what is going inside deep down. but i couldn't see well. still, it was enough
but it is beautiful. all the stuff they show off, the way they behave, everything has an order.
beside my 5 pairs of shoes i gained more than 5 hours of happiness and more than 5 days of experience.
connections will be everything to count on in this world.
all the good connections
p.s. kei is coming soon, she've told me that she'll come on the 4th or 5th of july. i am sooo excited, more to come when we have planned the whole stuff. we want to get to prais and london and stay some time longer in england just to be sure that we don't miss anything. i am soooo happy
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